• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz

• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. - Les Dawson

• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

• There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock

• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

• I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down. - Mitch Hedberg

• Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. – Robert Orben

• Never floss with a stranger. – Joan Rivers

• I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name. – Paula Poundstone

• If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin

• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield

• Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. – George Carlin

• Behind every great man is a woman… rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

• People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. – Ellen DeGeneres

• The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. – Jay Leno

• I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. – Ellen DeGeneres

• Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected. – Robert Orben

• Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

————
Buy Gifts at BuyGifts.com